Scriptures for you ~ Prayer for you ~ Real Life Stories ~ Tips for Grieving Hearts ~ Caleb Shop Cart

Dear Friend,

Through His Word, God has shown me that He has a purpose and meaning for my life even though I had made a mess of things by going my own way and doing my own thing. In Jeremiah 29:11-18 God explains His intention for those who are His children. “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.” It is the longing of my heart that you also would know the peace that only He can give regardless of what you have done in your past.

From my earliest years my Mom and Dad thought I was a rather unusual child. I was high-strung and had a TON of energy! In today’s world I would have had many labels added to my name. I remember one day when my Mom had taken me to 4-year-old pre-school. I didn’t like what they were doing that day, so I left! I walked home. Even though the pre-school was less than a mile from our house, my Mom was, to say the least, not very happy to see me. In later years my energy was funneled into things that I thought would make me happy.

At age 13, I began a rebellious and promiscuous lifestyle, which included alcohol and drugs. By the grace of God, I graduated from High School in 1977. Today, I realize that God protected me in many circumstances.

After graduation I began dating a boy who came from a family that considered church a priority. Just to get his parents off my back, I went to church with them. That was where I heard the Gospel for the first time. As I learned about God’s love and forgiveness, I knew I had a LOT to be forgiven! Two Sundays later, I responded to God drawing me to Himself. I called on the name of the Lord for my salvation and repented of my sin. God began to transform my life. I now had a desire to know God and His purposes for me. After confessing my sin, I knew I had to break off the relationship with my boyfriend because of our sinful involvement. Four weeks later I discovered I was pregnant.

I saw abortion as my only option. The moment the procedure was over, I knew I had made a terrible mistake-something that would have lifelong consequences. Today, I am still seeing those lifelong consequences. Like so many women in the world today, I learned to hide my pain. In a matter of months, I met a Christian man who became my husband. After we were married, we attended church and worked long hours to build a business together.

But all was not well. Two years into my marriage, I received a call at work from my husband. His message was: “I love you but I have to go.” That day he ended his life. It was a tragedy that awakened me to the power of God’s Word. God’s Word became my “best friend.” As I clung to God’s promises, they saw me through the next leg of my journey, one perhaps even more difficult than the last.

After a leave of absence, I returned to my spot in the church choir. In my “usual” seat sat a woman I had never met. As we sat next to each other, we quickly became friends sharing our struggles and prayer requests. What I didn’t know was that when I prayed for my friend’s son, Craig, as I was often asked to do, I was praying for my second husband.

I was in the choir the Sunday night Craig gave his life to Christ. Amazingly, it was only a short time before he was ministering to me. Three years later we were planning a wedding and married on May 4, 1985.

Two and a half years into our marriage we conceived our first baby. One morning eight months into the pregnancy I realized something was wrong and called the Doctor. I was told to come into his office. The doctor confirmed the worst; there was no heartbeat.

Three hours later we delivered our precious baby, James Caleb Day. The doctor explained that the cord was wrapped around his legs and had cut off his circulation and eventually ended our child’s life. Today, my life and ministry revolve around the unwavering faith that God had a purpose for Caleb’s life and death. At this point, we faced each day with sorrow and grief over the loss of our son. We had no idea what God had in store for us in the future with Caleb Ministries.

After losing Caleb, I was left with an intense desire for a child. God graciously brought me to the point where He was enough-with or without a baby. After hearing a message about Hannah one Sunday morning, I gave my deepest longing for a child to God. As only God could have timed it, that very night I discovered I was already pregnant with our second son, Corey.

It was a difficult pregnancy that required bed rest beginning in the fifth month. It was during those months on bed rest that God changed my perspective of who He is. I believed that God was punishing me for my past and for the terrible, promiscuous life I had led. Through doing a Bible study during that time, God revealed His character to me. He taught me the Truth of His unchanging love and healing forgiveness. By my delivery date, I had gained a new thankfulness for all I had experienced and a new appreciation for God’s loving plan for me.

When Corey was about ten months old, God gave me a desire to begin a ministry to help other women who had endured losses. As Craig and I began to pray, we saw God put the ministry into place. People would call our home seeking help. Women’s groups requested me to give the testimony of what God had done in our lives. God allowed us to comfort others with the comfort we had received from Him.

Over the years, I began to realize that a powerful testimony of God’s saving grace and comfort was not enough for a powerful ministry to women. God wanted me to be a pure vessel so that I could be transparent with the women I sought to help. I began by agreeing to complete a Bible study that addressed issues I had tucked away for years and did not ever want to share with ANYONE! That study changed me forever as I received God’s forgiveness and cleansing for the abortion that I had tried to hide.

Not long after completing that study, nine women called the ministry within a three-month period seeking help. Each woman had experienced a stillbirth and each one had an abortion in her past. Craig encouraged me to step out and share what God had done in my life to forgive my sin of abortion. As a result I have been so blessed by the opportunity to share God’s answer for the silent pain women still live in due to their own abortion(s).

In 1999 my husband Craig accepted a call to Pastoral ministry. We moved to Southern California where he completed his Master’s of Divinity Degree in May 2002 from The Master’s Seminary. He presently pastors a church in Charlotte, NC.

Today, the ministry continues to grow. Letters expressing the pain in the hearts of women arrive in a continual stream. Now I am beginning to get letters from women who face the struggles of being a Pastor’s wife. Sometimes I have to pinch myself to fully grasp that as one of my “roles.” I really LOVE it all! Ministering to the lives that God has entrusted to us in our church is a privilege we take very seriously. The blessing of ministering to others is one of the rewards of serving Christ. However, my biggest blessing still comes from being a wife and mother. I thank the Lord for my godly husband. The Lord has used him in my life in so many ways; I would not have shared about my abortion without his encouragement. Our son Corey also has a heart to serve God, and he brings us so much joy!

God also has a plan for you and has provided for your every need. He offers forgiveness to your soul and comfort for your heart. There is hope for the future. It is our prayer that as you read this book and answer these questions that God’s Word will penetrate your heart and you will come to know His love and mercy. I rejoice with you in what God has in store for your life and the transformation He wants to shower upon you as you learn to live in His forgiveness.

Looking to Him for you,

Sandy

~ Back to Top ~

Scriptures for you:
“ Therefore there is now no condemnation
to those who are in Christ Jesus”
(Romans 8:1)

“I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you.”
(Ezekiel 36:26)

Turn in your Bible to the following passages for encouragement:
Psalm 32: 1-5 ; Ps 107: 14-15;
John 8: 32, 36; I John 3:19-20; 43:18-19;
Romans 6:21-22; Psalm 103: 8-12; Heb. 10: 17-18.

~ Back to Top ~

Prayer for you:
prayer@calebministries.org

Real Life Stories:

(All stories you read are taken from “Living in His Forgiveness.” You can purchase this Bible Study on Caleb’s Cart.)

A Love That Would Not Let Me Go
By Kimberly Lorenzin

In the waiting room of the doctor’s office, I sat, my head propped in my hands – daydreaming. I was only vaguely aware of the sound of a baby crying. Glancing over, I saw the little one, sitting with her visibly pregnant mom. I was happy to retreat to my own world. Looking out the window I imagined the feel of the mid-summer sunshine falling across my face, the smell of fresh green grass mixed with wild flowers – and him. In my dream my handsome husband takes my hand and walks our son and me to the playground. This man makes me feel safe and secure. I know he will never hurt me or leave me. Ours would be a “happily ever after” story.

Reality stole away the moment. And I wondered if it would steal away the dream altogether. From the window I saw Chad, sitting on his car smoking a cigarette. “Just have the abortion,” I told myself. “We are too young to be parents.”
When I met Chad I had no intention of starting a serious relationship. I was just a high school freshman after all. Chad was a year older and very handsome. I couldn’t believe he would even want to talk to me. He was perfect in every way. I loved that he paid attention to me and thought that I was beautiful. Every night he called me to say goodnight.

Our four years together had not been easy. Friends told me they saw him with other girls. My heart was broken again and again as I wrestled with the question, “Why am I not enough for him? What am I missing?” I didn’t have the courage to do what I needed to do – I realize now I missed out on school and girl friends. But at the time, I thought he was all I wanted – even if he hurt me. A reassuring word and a glance from those electric blue eyes was all it took to convince me that I was being too jealous, that he was committed to me, and that we would always be together.

We actually broke up for two months after Chad went to college while I was in my last year of high school. But his charm won me over again. This time I was walking down the stage to be crowned Homecoming Princess. He had some of his fraternity brothers hold up a big sign that said he loved me and needed me in his life. Everyone at school thought that was true love. I was overwhelmed. True love was something I longed to have.

Two weeks after that night, I went in the doctor’s office, pregnant and facing the hardest decision of my life. I was there for an abortion. Chad had been willing to support whatever choice I made. He said, “We don’t have to do this. We could get in my car and drive away. We could get married and start a family.” But I had earned a college scholarship. I had a bright future ahead of me. Besides, I couldn’t bear the thought of telling my parents. Fear drove me to a decision I would soon regret.

I remember wondering how things might have been different if leukemia hadn’t taken my real dad’s life when I was five. My family and I thought we had done all the “right things” to make sure God spared his life. We prayed. We lighted candles for him daily. Still he slipped away, and I gave up on the idea of a loving God. Six years later I had a new dad – a police officer who brought four children of his own to our blended family. My hopes for regaining a sense of love and security ran high. But a year later, my stepfather, the one I hoped would provide love and security for me, began to sexually abuse me.
The waiting room had been crowded. Every chair was filled and others stood. “We couldn’t all be making a mistake, could we?” I wondered. After a 3-hour wait, I was growing anxious. Chad came in to sit, then left to smoke again. I just wanted it to be over.

Finally, the receptionist called my name and led me to a counseling room. There, a middle-aged woman told me to watch a video, inserted the tape and walked out. I felt so alone. Some of the girls on the screen chose adoption. But I felt I could never carry a child just to give her away. What if she were to come and find me someday to tell me what a bad mother I had been? Besides there was that other secret nobody knew about.

Bulimia. I called it “just keeping my weight down.” My mother had always warned me of the importance of first impressions. Girls who were going to be “somebody,” weren’t chubby. I had been purging my body since I was 14. Lots of times my abused body felt the effects. No, abortion was the only option that I felt I could consider.

“ Sign these papers,” the woman said upon reentering the room. “Now,” she continued very routinely, “what are some reasons you want this procedure done today?” I took a deep breath and repeated the words that I had forced myself to say all day long, “I just received a scholarship to college. I am going to be somebody. I cannot have a baby.” The woman smiled and assured me I was making a good decision and that everything would be okay. I took some comfort in her words.

In another room, an ultrasound was performed. The attending nurse continued to walk in and out of the room. I wondered if something was wrong. I heard her say, “I can’t find anything. We might have an ectopic pregnancy.” My counselor informed me that an ectopic pregnancy meant that it had to be removed or would cause death. Immediately the lady came back into the room, accompanied by a tall man in a white coat. I tried to stay focused on the questions my counselor was asking me: “What profession do you want to go into?” “Where are your friends going to college?” They continued to move the probe over me and look at the screen. My counselor held my hand.

Then came the sound of a vacuum. I looked at my counselor and blurted out, “Did I tell you I just got a scholarship to college and was nominated for Who’s Who of American High School Students?” I whispered to myself, “I’m going to be somebody.”

In the recovery room I was given juice and crackers and told to stay there until I felt ready to walk. The woman next to me told me this was her third abortion. I could not stay there any longer. I left even though I still felt dizzy.

“ What to Expect Now” read the heading on the paper the nurse gave me as I left. For the first time, I read that potential problems associated with my abortion, included heavy bleeding, possible hemorrhaging, future miscarriage, and impaired future fertility. The list continued but the tears that welled up kept me from finishing. I was advised that I would probably have cramps “no stronger than my period.” If they worsened, I was to contact my doctor.

The nausea started later that evening. Cramps followed. They were not so bad at first, but by the end of dinner they were getting worse. My family and I were finishing our decorating for Christmas, now just two weeks off. Even as I smiled and helped decorate the tree, I wondered if anyone would catch me wincing in pain, or notice a look of guilt, of sadness or shame that I felt taking over my mind and my heart.

Two months later, Chad and I were still together but he began to tell me that I wasn’t any fun anymore -- that I had changed. My guess is that I just wasn’t the same with him. I felt numb, and I wasn’t up to pretending that I was still a happy-go-lucky kid. My innocence was gone. My trust in Chad was gone. Even when we continued having sex, there was dullness, a heaviness that wouldn’t go away. I didn’t even really want to have sex with him anymore, but he kept begging, and I always gave in. I began to hate him for that and to hate myself for betraying myself.

That summer I resolved to change my life and to forget my past. I started dating other guys. On occasion, Chad and I went out. When we did, I felt the pain of it all sweep over me again.

A year after the abortion, I was in college, working to prove that my choice was not in vain - that I would succeed in life. I moved into an apartment with two friends, where I learned to escape in the party life. There I could forget the past. There I didn’t have to think.

But parties inevitably end. And in every place, in every decision, my life was affected by my abortion decision. After my classes I worked at a preschool center. Inside I was secretly hoping that I could make up for what I had done. But there was pain there too. I would look at those kids and wonder, what would my child have looked like? There were even times when I was afraid to touch or carry them. What if I hurt them? Do I really deserve to care for children when I couldn’t even take responsibility for my own? I felt I deserved the punishment of not enjoying children.

Then came the night my friend Samantha died. We had planned to meet at 9:30pm at the McDonald’s across town. I arrived a half hour late, so she left without me. Witnesses said she ended up at a party and went for a ride with a guy in his new car. She loved cars. The accident report said both of them were legally drunk. “If I had been there on time, would things be different?” I couldn’t help but wonder. “Could I have prevented it? Would I have died with her?”

Samantha had grown up in a Christian home, but had never mentioned her faith. It seemed the whole town turned out for her funeral. The pastor talked a lot about Heaven. He talked about Christ dying on the cross for our sins.
I looked at her in the casket one last time, a final glimpse of her to remember forever. As I did, I turned and studied her mother for a moment. She was crying, and her husband’s arms held her, keeping her from collapsing. “Is that how a mom is to mourn for her child?” I questioned. “Should we weep and let the whole world know we no longer have our baby?”

I felt a deep sense of grief for my friend, Samantha. Further, her death forced me to think about my own father – and about my baby. Is my baby in Heaven? I felt very alone in dealing with my abortion. Abortion is a subject that is easy to talk about before it becomes personal. There had been a time when I was convinced that abortion is simply a woman’s right. But once abortion became part of my own experience, I discovered its secret shame.

Two months after that funeral, we threw a big party for my roommate’s 21st birthday. Some of Samantha’s other friends joined us. It felt good to be together, like we all shared the same heartache. Brent was one of her friends. He invited us to a Bible study his mom was starting. I laughed out loud. He continued, saying it would be interesting to try to understand what happened to Samantha after death. Even through the blare of the music, the laughing, the noise of the crowd, I heard that invitation and I was intrigued by it.

Bible study wasn’t at all what I expected. We all sat around together, Bibles in our laps, looking up Scripture and talking about how it applied to our lives. I listened, but without believing. I kept wondering just what these Christians wanted from me. Do they just want to be able to say they had a good “turn out”? Were they going to ask me for money?

In those first weeks, I learned that the Bible says that God is my provider (Gen. 22:1-14), and that He is trustworthy even when I do not see how, circumstances can work out for good in the end. I heard that God is the Lord who heals (Exodus 15:22-26), and that He is like a parent to me – directing me and keeping me safe. These were radical statements.

I hid my internal struggle behind intellectual questions. At the Bible study I openly argued, “How can you know that Christianity is the true religion? How can you say we have to believe in Jesus to go to Heaven?” Yet, on the inside I felt convicted. I knew I was a sinner. I wondered what it meant to “give my life to Christ.” Would I have to leave everything and everyone I know? Again, fear kept me moving, only this time toward God.

“ I’m not coming back,” I told Lorie, the Bible study leader. But the issues God had allowed to surface continued to haunt me. “If there is a God, then why did He let so much happen to me? Why didn’t He heal my Dad? Why didn’t He stop my stepfather?” I knew Lorie was stating the truth when she said to me, “Kim, you seem to need all the answers before you trust that Christ is who He says He is. But when you die and stand before Him you will have no excuse. You heard His message and are refusing it.”

My disease of the spirit, my unbelief, plagued me in much the same way that bulimia continued to steal life from my physical body. At 22, I had continued my destructive cycle for eight years. I called Overeaters Anonymous once, but then I didn’t have the courage to stay on the line. God was aware of my desperate need – both physically and spiritually.

One night I was feeling particularly alone. Despair pulled at me. My response was to order a large pizza and polish off the whole thing. “I have to get it out!” I screamed to myself. So, I did my usual trip to the bathroom and threw it up. Suddenly I felt light-headed and that nagging pain in my chest. I promised myself this would be the last time. Then everything went dark, and I felt myself slip to the floor. There’s no one to save me, I thought in my helplessness. “What if I die? Where will I go? How can Jesus forgive me?”

The truths shared at the Bible study returned to me at that frightening moment. The words I had heard with my ears began to make sense: Believe that Jesus is God and can take away sin. I still didn’t understand it all, but at that moment, I did believe. “You are God,” I declared to myself and to God. “I believe you can forgive me. Please forgive me. But can you forgive murder? I killed my baby. It was sin. I always knew it was wrong.”

I lay on the floor for a long time. I continued to ask God to forgive me. I realized that there was no other hope for me – no other way out of the mess I had made. I prayed and cried there on the cold hard floor until I finally slept.
When I returned to Bible study the following week, I listened with new understanding. If there were answers for me in the Bible, I was committed to finding them and believing them. My lonely meeting with God had convinced me that God knew everything about me (John 3:19-20) and loved me anyway!

My first lesson as a new believer was about the seriousness of sin and its destructive nature. That meant dealing with my abortion. God showed me the selfishness that was at the root of my decision to abort. He knew I had hoped to escape the responsibility for my sinful choice to have sex outside of marriage (Heb 13:4). He also knew that I took the life of my child because I didn’t want to be burdened with a baby.

As I looked back on that dark time following the abortion, it struck me that so many of my decisions then were based on my need to push the reality of a baby out of my mind. I had built a wall of denial in order to protect myself from the pain of guilt in admitting that I took the life of my own child. But all my efforts to forget didn’t take away the guilt and shame I felt before God.

My next step had to be admitting that my sin, all the ways I had violated God’s commands in my life, kept me from a relationship with a holy God. When I came to understand that Jesus was the only One who could take that sin from me and could reconcile me to the Father, then – and only then – could I stop trying to heal myself, stop trying to make up for my past. In God’s Word I learned that God promises to heal me from my pain of guilt and to carry my sorrow. He has taken the punishment I deserve as a sinner and delivered me from an eternity apart from Him. Jesus made it all possible by dying on the Cross, then rising again to show Himself to be stronger than death. A tremendous burden was lifted from me.

Four years into my journey with Christ, I participated in a Post Abortion Counseling and Education class. It was during that very special learning and sharing time that God led me to understand what He alone had done for me on the cross, and I asked Him to forgive me for my abortion. In the Old Testament book of Micah, the prophet declares that God pardons iniquity. He does not keep His anger. He will have compassion on us, “casting our sin into the depths of the sea.” This was what I had truly longed for all my life-God’s forgiveness. Love from my parents, boyfriend, or friend was never enough. What I desired, above all else, was to know that God would forgive me for everything and still love me.

Like so many post-abortive women, however, shame continued to be an obstacle for me. I feared rejection from those who might learn of my past. To protect myself, I shared my secret with very few. Again God used the Bible Study class to instruct me on just that issue. In Isaiah 54:4, God states, “Do not fear, for you will not be ashamed; Neither be disgraced, for you will not be put to shame; For you will forget the shame of your youth, And will not remember the reproach of your widowhood anymore.” (NKJV) In verses 7 and 8, the passage reads, “For a mere moment I have forsaken you, but with great mercies I will gather you. With little wrath I hide my face from you for a moment; but with everlasting kindness I will have mercy on you, says the Lord your redeemer.” (NKJV) As I meditated on these words, God released me from the guilt and shame of my sin.

Memories of my abortion return now and then. I often have to remind myself that I am truly forgiven and deeply loved by God. These memories, however, are no longer characterized by pain, guilt or shame. With joy I anticipate seeing my child in Heaven. There will always be someone missing in my life. I may have to face infertility. The future may bring the sadness of knowing that my child missed the experience of a loving family. These are earthly consequences of my sin. But I have hope in knowing that there are no eternal consequences for my sin because Jesus paid the price for me. I’ve been forgiven and set free. You can be, too.
What a wonderful God we have. He is the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the source of every mercy, and the One who so wonderfully comforts and strengthens us in our hardships and trials. And why does He do this? One reason is so that when others are troubled, needing our sympathy and encouragement, we can pass on to them this same help and comfort God has given us (2 Corinthians 1:3-4).

Kimberly’s Update:
Today, Kimberly is happily married to a godly man. Shortly after their marriage, they both attended and graduated with B.A.s from New Orleans Baptist Theological Seminary. Presently, Kimberly is serving at the Pregnancy Resource Center of the San Fernando Valley in CA. They believe that to truly help a client they need to share the truth of Christ and the new life He can offer her. God has been so good to Kimberly! They are hoping to start a family soon.

~ Back to Top ~

Nobody Told Me
By Cynthia Fong

When I was in the eighth grade, I was asked if I wanted to accept Christ as my personal Savior. My immediate response was, “yes.” But my answer was given without any understanding of what that decision would require of me. I had no idea that He was to be the Lord of every part of me, that every part of my life was to be lived in obedience to Him. I didn’t understand what it meant to follow Him. To this day, I do not believe that I became a Christian at that time, but I did begin to participate in Christian activities by attending Friday night fellowship and Sunday morning church. The rest of the week, however, was under my own direction. I lived my life just as I pleased.

Relationships with men presented the greatest obstacle to me in living a life pleasing to God. Those I dated were not the kind of men Christ would have for me. I was attracted to the excitement of “bad boys” – many of whom were emotionally abusive, drug users, divorced, alcoholics, or cheaters. These “bad boys” had one thing in common: they all rejected Christianity.

It is overwhelming to me now to know that while I pursued my selfish desires, God protected me from contracting a sexually transmitted disease that could have cost me my life. Recently, the emotional agony of awaiting test results reminded me of the truth that promiscuous relationships were never worth the pain that I experienced – then or now.

Two relationships stand out as having particularly devastating impacts on my life. First was “Randy,” whom I met and dated when I was only 16. He had a way of making me feel special, and sweeping me off my feet with his smooth-talk. A non-believer with no interest in spiritual things, Randy was reluctant to go to church with me. I was the one who conceded; I gave up going to church in order to be with him. Rationalizing that choice was easy. I simply convinced myself that I was going to “win him to Christ.” As a result, my compromise made him only more interested in me – not God.

Almost immediately, our relationship began to change. As our involvement with each other escalated, Randy made it clear that he wanted a more physical relationship. I felt torn. I was afraid of losing him and afraid of losing what I had been told was my most precious gift: my virginity. But a decision not to back off is a decision to move forward. When we were together one day, we crossed the line. I tried to put the reins on our over-involvement by saying, “no,” but he wasn’t listening anymore. Then it was over. All I remember are the tears. I cried for a long time. I was so remorseful over my failed testimony, my broken relationship with God, the loss of my virginity, and the disillusionment of a physical relationship out of wedlock. I was totally heartbroken.

Even after that, I was not ready to give up on relationships with the wrong guys, because I longed to be loved. Relationships came and went as I sought to fill my longing for love, yet trying to avoid hurt at all cost. The pattern that developed was destructive. At the time, I could not see how using others and allowing myself to be used in this way was sinful and harmful both spiritually and emotionally.
Then I met “Steve.” When he came into my life, it was as though the man of my dreams swept into my life, and I was certain that everything was changing for the better. In so many ways, he seemed to be my “knight in shining armor.” He possessed every quality I wanted. He was a growing Christian, he was good with kids, he could cook, and he even spoke Cantonese which was important in my family. When I met him, I was certain that my prayers had been answered.

As we continued to date, our relationship became more intense and physical. We both knew that sex before marriage was wrong biblically and morally. (Heb. 4:12) It was easy to say to each other that we were going to stop being physically intimate, but it was much harder to do it. Being accountable only to each other was no good when we were enjoying how good it felt to be together. In our shame we kept our sin a secret, unwilling to share our weakness with other brothers and sisters in Christ and to seek the accountability we so desperately needed. Before long we convinced each other that it was all right to have sex since we were talking about marriage in the near future. Always careful to practice birth control, Steve and I attempted to enjoy the pleasures of sin while avoiding the consequences. But we only fooled ourselves.

Everything seemed perfect. I had just graduated from college. Graduate school was beginning, and I was with the man that I loved and wanted to be with for the rest of my life. Then came the day that I missed my period. “Sometimes that happens,” I thought to myself. Shortly thereafter I began to get sick, as if I had stomach flu. I figured it was just something that was “going around” in the classroom where I had begun my new teaching job. After two months, I still hadn’t had a period. Steve and I began to worry. Finally, we purchased a home pregnancy test. The results were positive.

“ How could this happen?” I thought to myself. “We used protection most of the time.” I didn't want to talk to Steve or anyone else about being pregnant, denying the obvious. But hard as I wished, it wouldn’t go away. In my desperation, I even tried to do things to cause a miscarriage, but failed. Nothing seemed to resolve my very real, very frightening dilemma.

At last I came to accept the fact that I was really pregnant. Steve and I talked about our choices. We were too afraid to tell our parents because we knew what their reaction would be: anger. Both of us grew up in traditional Chinese families where our parents constantly taught us not to get physically involved until marriage. In addition, we felt that having the baby at that time would affect both of our dreams of going to graduate school. It would be too hard to share our secret with friends. We felt ashamed and were afraid to have people at church learn of what we had done. Again we made empty promises to each other to ease the pain. “We’ll have children together in the future,” we told one another. “There will be a better time.” With that we decided to have an abortion.

Together we went to a clinic for an abortion. An ultrasound was performed by the nurse to determine how far along my pregnancy was. Results of the ultrasound showed that I was one day short of being four months pregnant. There wasn’t much time. I was already too far along for the clinic to deal with “my problem” that day. I had to make an appointment for the following week. It was a long, hard week, one in which Steve and I managed to avoid the topic.

The next week, we went back to the clinic in the morning. The doctor inserted laminaria in me to dilate me, then instructed me to return in the afternoon. We went shopping to take our mind off things. When we returned, the nurse brought us into the room to check my vitals and to perform another ultrasound. When she left the room, Steve and I noticed that she left the picture of our “problem” on the ultrasound. There we saw hands and feet. What we saw was a baby. Both of us began to cry. When the nurse came back and found us crying, she asked Steve if I was okay. I remember the anger I felt at her insensitivity. I just wanted it over and convinced myself that it was too late to turn back. I proceeded with the abortion.

As I look back now, I see how the Lord meant to use that ultrasound and my reaction to the insensitive nurse to prevent me from having the abortion. Even though He had offered me a clear way of escape, I chose to rebel.

My relationship with Steve began to change after the abortion. We had a hard time communicating with each other, and we never talked about the abortion. Only two of our friends knew what we had done. We were no longer physically intimate; at times he wouldn't even hug me. The memories of the abortion were eating me up inside. I began to realize that God was not a part of our relationship. Six months later, I broke off our relationship because I wanted it to be Christ-centered again. It was my hope that we would work on our individual walks with the Lord before getting back together. It hurt so much to break up with him because he had been my "knight in shining armor."

It wasn’t long before Steve and I broke up for good. I moved to another city to begin graduate school. It was after that move that the memories of my abortion really began to affect me. I struggled with the reality that I had lost both my best friend and my baby. That's when I turned to God and cried out to Him for help and for salvation. I knew that He was their listening to me cry, standing beside me.

One particular weekend when I came home from school, I was hurting for someone to talk to about my feelings. I remembered that my home church supported the Crisis Pregnancy Center (CPC). I found their telephone number and called. A counselor talked with me, and I made an appointment to meet with her the very next day. That conversation led to my participation in the Center’s post-abortion support group and eventually to my work as a volunteer at the Center. Through their post-abortion group study, I learned that I needed to seek forgiveness from God, my parents, and Steve. I confessed my sins to the Lord and asked for His forgiveness. I learned that “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness” (1 John1:9 - NIV).

Next I went to my parents. I recall how upset my mother was that I had put myself at risk by having an abortion that could have caused me physical injury or threatened my life. I couldn’t go to my father. I was so afraid of destroying the “Daddy’s little girl” relationship that I cherished. It was my mother who broke the news to him. It grieved his heart to learn he had lost his first grandchild. Neither of my parents rejected me, but both were upset that I hadn’t turned to them for help. Receiving their forgiveness was like a healing balm.

In the course of my recovery I also realized the importance of forgiving the people in my life who had hurt me and seeking forgiveness for my sin against Steve. One year after our break up, I wrote Steve a letter, asking him to forgive me for all that I had done wrong in our relationship. It was a hard lesson, but I knew that I could not continue to blame him for all that had happened. I was there at the abortion clinic, too. The decision to abort was mutual. Though he was not receptive to my letter, I knew I had done what was right before the Lord.

My last stop was a visit to the clinic where the abortion was performed. Going back there was the hardest because I remembered everything, from sitting in the waiting room to seeing my ultrasound. That experience gave me new understanding of Jesus’ words, “Forgive them, for they know not what they are doing.” I praise the Lord that I was able to obtain the ultrasound image of my baby and have that one memory of him or her.

There is so much I have learned that it is hard to remember just how little I understood at the time that the decision to take the life of my child would be life-changing. Why was I unwilling to think about the consequences? Nobody told me that having an abortion would affect the relationship I had with my boyfriend. Nobody told me that my abortion would hurt my parents far more than my being pregnant. Nobody told me that God saw and knew my unborn child, and that I would have to live with the consequences of knowing that my choice took a life. Nobody told me.

On the other hand, I had kept my secrets to myself. I chose not to tell anyone about how I was struggling with sexual purity in my thoughts and actions because I was too ashamed and too proud. Because I did not seek out biblical relationships of love and accountability, I chose the “quiet” way out. It seemed the best and easiest way. But there was no lasting relief in that decision. I was left with a lot of painful memories from my experience. Looking back, I wish I had thought to contact a place like CPC so I could have learned about my choices and about the consequences of those choices – beforehand.

Abortion is by no means the “easy way out.” What follows are emotional, physical, relational, and spiritual consequences. The memories and emotions of my abortion are still with me and on occasion overwhelm me with feelings of guilt and regret. Mother's day, the day of my abortion, and the day of my due date are the hardest days of the year. It’s hard not to indulge those feelings every once in a while and wonder “what if…?” I will continually praise Him for bringing me through.

Even though I know that I can never change what I have done, I look to the Cross and remember daily that it was there that God made it possible to change everything. In 1 Corinthians 6:9 11 (NIV) we read, “Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor male prostitutes, nor homosexual offenders, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor slanderers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.” I do not deserve to inherit the kingdom of God. I only deserve an eternity in hell. But because I have put my trust in Christ and His death on the Cross in my place, I am free from the guilt of my sin (Psalm 32:5).

For me, the most wonderful word in the 1 Corinthians passage is the word “But.” That is where God changed everything. I deserve hell, but He cleansed me white as snow from my sins washed. I deserve hell, but He set me apart and separated me from my sin sanctified. I deserve hell, but He declared me “not guilty” before Him justified. Because of Christ I am free from the bondage of my abortion. I am truly forgiven and set free by Him. Now I can be used to help others live in His forgiveness even as I do.

Cynthia’s Update:
Cynthia graduated with a MA degree in 2000 and then she went to Hong Kong to serve as a missionary at a place called Mother's Choice. She is currently working with the special needs children and supervising the pregnant girls’ services. She would also like to lead post abortion groups.

~ Back to Top ~

Tips for Grieving Hearts:
Only God can heal your broken heart and only God’s Word can transform your life so that you will no longer live in your guilt and shame. This is why we have written “Living in His Forgiveness.” This is a book that I worked on for 4 years. I think it will cover every area of your broken heart.

Caleb Shop Cart:
“ Living in His Forgiveness” by Sandy Day
Woven in and out of these pages is a message of hope and comfort for someone who has had an abortion(s). Both men and women have written how God took the circumstance of their tragic mistake and provided a way to be “set-free” from the guilt and pain that was infiltrating each life. You will be tremendously blessed at what God can do to bring about healing. Also, a Bible Study, Scripture verses, and other helpful guidelines are included to comfort the one who is still struggling in their silent pain.