Infertility ~ Miscarriage
Stillbirth ~ Early Infant Death

INFERTILITY:
Scriptures for you ~ Prayer for you ~ Real Life Stories       Tips for Grieving Hearts ~ Caleb Shop Cart

Scriptures for you:

" Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God, for to you I pray. Morning by morning, O Lord, you hear my voice; morning by morning I lay my requests before you and I wait in expectation." (Ps. 5:2-3)

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." (Proverbs 3:5-6)

"If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks he must believe and not doubt because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind." (James 1:5-7)

"Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. The troubles of my heart have multiplied; free me from my anguish. Look upon my affliction and my distress and take away all my sins. See how my enemies have increased and how fiercely they hate me; let me not be put to shame, for I take refuge in you. May integrity and uprightness protect me, because my hope is in you." (Psalm 25:16-21)

(All Scripture is taken from the New International Version of the Bible.)

Prayer for you:
prayer@calebministries.org

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Real Life Stories:

My life was moving along just as I had hoped. My husband and I were happily married and had decided to start our family. We were so excited when we found out we were pregnant. I remember the joy of sharing this news. My husband was so excited to tell his friends and coworkers. I loved waking up in the morning feeling so blessed to have a baby growing inside of me. I had dreamt of this time for so long. The day that I started cramping, 11 weeks later, was definitely a time of despair. For the first time in my life I felt truly alone. The miscarriage and hospital experience was painful. The looks and comments from family and friends did little to comfort me. It was all a whirlwind of emotions and none of it I could control.

The pain and disappointment of my loss was overwhelming. It seemed that no one could understand the sadness and pain that I felt. The comments from friends trying to help were so hurtful at times. What no one understood was that this baby had been in my womb. I had loved and cherished my baby for the weeks I was pregnant. In one day all our hopes and dreams for this baby vanished. What I prayed for ended in physical and emotional pain.

The days moved on, the months moved on and soon it had been 3 years since that miscarriage. This became a very sad time in my life. I felt so isolated from friends, family and even acquaintances. I was so disappointed my plan for a family was not happening. The repeated tests, drugs, and inseminations humiliated me. Why did I have endometriosis? I remember lying on a stretcher ready to have my eggs extracted for in-vitro fertilization. My husband was with me. The doctor showed him to the room where he was to produce the "sample.” How sterile, how medicinal and NOT the way I imagined our child being created.

What sadness I felt inside. Does God know what I desired? I dreaded another Christmas holiday without a baby. What if I never become pregnant again? Was God punishing me for sins of my past? I felt isolated when friends and co-workers would happily announce their pregnancies. I cringed at the question, "When are you going to have children?" I was so disappointed with my life-it was not working out as I had planned. Why not? I had always been able to set a goal and work towards achieving that goal. What was wrong?

Now looking back I know what was wrong. God was drawing me to Himself in ways I did not know. I questioned God, begged God and cried to God. I finally realized that I could not control any of this. I sought to give him my burden. We knew that our lives needed to go in another direction.

With this in mind we stopped the infertility treatments and began to pursue adoption. We researched different agencies through the yellow pages. I opened my heart to what I felt God was doing in opening the door to a family plan I never thought possible. We were starting to accept our infertility, and we slowly let people in on our adoption plans. Many were skeptical, but we stayed true to our convictions and went ahead.

We felt complete joy and some fear when we were matched with a birth mother. I could only rely on God to help ease our fear and worry. He was my only hope. We were completely overjoyed when our son was born. What a perfect plan for us. It only got better when two years later our daughter was born and given to us through another adoption situation.

We could not have been happier with our precious children. All my hopes and dreams had been fulfilled. I enjoyed being a mother to a busy toddler and a newborn baby. About a year later we moved from our home in Florida to Charlotte, North Carolina. Once again my world was rocked when we moved to a new state. My husband traveled, and I stayed home with our two small children. I was very lonely. I could not understand why. I had the family I had dreamed of. I was a stay-at-home Mom and had a loving husband. I could not understand how discontent I was. I had it ALL!

Not long after we moved to Charlotte, a new friend invited me to a Bible study. I have to admit I was a little nervous. Although I had regularly attended church, I had NEVER studied the Bible. A remarkable thing happened at the Bible Study. I met kind women with questions and problems just like me. We read God’s word and prayed for one another. I slowly began to read and understand God’s message. The book of 1 John spoke directly to my heart. 1 John 1:8-10 says,

“ If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make Him out to be a liar and His Word has no place in our lives.”

I knew what was missing. I understood I needed a Savior (Romans 3:23). I prayed and confessed my sins to God and was overwhelmed to believe that Jesus Christ died on the cross for ALL my sins past, present and future (John 3:16). I invited my Savior into my life and turned away from my sins.

The Bible says in Romans 10: 9-13, “That if we confess with our mouth, Jesus is Lord, and believe in our heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved. As the Scripture says everyone who trusts in Him will never be put to shame. For there is no difference between Jew and Gentile-the same Lord is Lord of all and richly blesses all who call on Him. For everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.”

My life began to change! I stopped worrying so much about myself. I began to think about God and how he wanted me to live. I had complete peace in my role as wife to my husband and mother to my children. A year later my husband was at a men’s church function and heard a speaker and knew that he was not a Christian. It was that night that he gave his life over to the Lord Jesus Christ. His life has been different ever since.

God has provided for me so much more than I could have ever imagined. Infertility can be such a time of loneliness and despair. For me it was an open door to God. We can try to carry all the pain and burden ourselves or we can give it to the One who is in complete control of everything. Jeremiah 29:11-13 says, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart.”

What I realized is that there is nothing missing in having faith in Jesus Christ. My life was complete. I searched no more. I knew God made me to be His child and to live by His Word. This began a much more enriching and meaningful life for me. My life with my husband and children became so much more fulfilling. Because He first loved me, I could love my husband and my children.

We joined a church that preached God’s Word where we grow in Christ and learn as a couple. Our children enjoy Sunday School and Kids Worship. My husband and I attend a Sunday School class and look forward every week to our time of worship. Each night we dedicate ourselves to a time of family devotions with our children. This is a special time of sharing and relating God’s Word to our everyday life. Each year as the children get older, we see different questions and issues that come up. We are relieved when we can turn to the Bible for answers. Over the years we have grown as a family to know God more.

I know that God has planned my steps and His desire is for me to help other women who are going through the pain of infertility. I am involved in Caleb Ministries (read more info in the back of this book) which helps women who face these very issues. God has amazingly put me in a place that He would have me use the gifts that He has given me - helping others with the love of Christ! It has been a blessing to see the doors that God has opened for me to use what He has done in my life. My heart’s desire is to be a vessel willing to be used by God to bring comfort to another woman (2 Cor. 1:3-5).

Over the past couple of years our daughter has asked if she could meet her birth mother. We acknowledged her desire but never put much thought into it. Recently when she asked, I knew God wanted us to do more. If I listened to the world, I would hear things like, "that is too confusing for a 6 year-old." Or, "aren’t you too scared her birth mother would want her back?" Some might ponder that Lindsey would love her birth mother more than me.

We had a decision to make. Do I listen to popular opinion or do I listen and depend on our awesome God? The choice was simple. God graced us with our son and our daughter. How could God’s plan be "confusing" to our daughter? Tracy is the birth mother God brought to our lives. Through the grace of God she had the strength to carry her precious baby for 9 months and deliver her into this world. Tracy chose Mark and me to love and raise her baby. Our lives have been forever blessed since that day.

My husband and I always knew that we needed to be open with our children about their adoption into our family. We were ready to put our thoughts into action. I contacted Tracy to find out if she would be open to meet us. "YES!" she said. "How do you think Lindsey will react?" she asked. We truly did not know, but we decided to pray about this meeting. I truly believe this meeting was going to honor God in the most loving way.

We drove to the town where Tracy lives. We spent the night in a hotel. The morning came for our meeting. Lindsey woke up and was very excited. We brought a special photo album that Lindsey had created over the last two years. She also made a sweet pen flowerpot to give to her birth mother. Our family went down to the hotel lobby for breakfast. We waited for the clock to strike 9:00 am. Mark went out to the parking lot and the kids quickly followed. A few moments later our son ran in shouting, "She’s here!"

My heart jumped. I stood up and walked out the doors. I could see Tracy walking towards Lindsey with a loving smile on her face. I could see Lindsey walking briskly up to Tracy. Her little face looked up and her eyes were wide open with a smile on her face. I stood back to give them a moment. This was their moment. I prayed Psalm 29:11, “The Lord gives strength to His people. The Lord blesses His people with peace.” I had a sense of peace that I can only explain by God’s love. I then joined them and hugged Tracy. We all walked into the hotel and went up to our room.

There we visited for over an hour. We laughed and smiled and learned so much from each other. Tracy sat with Lindsey and they went through the photo album that Lindsey made. They had an easy and comfortable time talking and getting to know each other.

Tracy and I shared how God has worked in each of our lives. How amazing that in the loneliness of her unplanned pregnancy and the pain of our infertility God was at work in each of us. We both had become Christians. God granted us strength, love and His peace as we sat talking and fellowshipping with each other. It was truly a time I will never forget. The mercy and love of God is SO BIG!

Tracy had the strength to carry and deliver her baby. She had the most selfless love to give Lindsey to us. Tracy has much joy knowing Lindsey is loved and being raised to serve our Lord. God gave me the strength to open my heart to adoption. He showered me with love to give my son and my daughter. God has given me strength in accepting the fact that I will not conceive and carry a baby to term. The plans He has for me were different than I had planned. His plans are much better than I could have dreamed!

When our visit was over, and it was time for us all to leave the hotel, we walked out to the parking lot. We all said good-bye to Tracy. Lindsey gave her a hug and jumped into our van. I walked up to Tracy and gave her a hug. How do I thank this woman who so graciously gave us this wonderful bundle of joy? My heart overflowed with gratitude and love for my Savior who was so evident in our time together.

After our visit with Lindsey’s birth mother., Justin had a few questions about his birth mother.“Why don’t I hear from Jenni?” He asked. We do receive Christmas cards from her but never a note specifically for him. We listened to his thoughts, and we prayed. One week before Justin and Lindsey’s birthdays I asked my ladies bible study group to pray for their birth mothers. Justin had an awesome birthday. When I retrieved the mail out of the box, there was a card for Justin from his birth mother. Praise God! Justin opened the letter and read the kind note and laid it down saying, “cool!” Like his sister, I think Justin wanted to know his birth mother thought of him. How amazing that we prayed for Jenni, and she thought enough to buy a card and write a nice note to the precious baby she gave birth to 9 years ago and entrusted in our care.

We look forward to the future with hope. Our lives are in His hands. It is my heart’s desire to depend fully on the love of Christ Jesus and let Him lead our path as only He can do. Knowing that we have eternal salvation with Jesus Christ gives me hope like no other.

“Thou wilt show me the path of life,
in Thy presence is fullness of joy, at Thy right hand are pleasures for evermore.”
Psalm 16:11 (KJV)

Update: Nancy and her husband Mark are continually growing in Christ and using their circumstances for God’s glory. Nancy is presently our Caleb Cares Coordinator at our Headquarters in Charlotte, NC. Justin and Lindsey are a joy to their lives.

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My Rose Among the Thorns
by Patty Portier

"Infertility" the diagnosis read as I got into my car that hot summer afternoon. "No, I am not infertile," I said aloud as I wiped the tears from my eyes. It was the first time I had seen it written about myself regarding my ongoing pursuit to have a baby. The word pierced my heart as I pondered the previous months that brought me to this point.

My husband and I had been married almost five years when we decided to begin our family. Although I did not conceive for the first few months, we weren’t discouraged. Being youth sponsors in a large church while holding full-time jobs kept us very busy.

Finally after nine months of praying and hoping, my doctor confirmed that I was pregnant! I thanked God for this life, and I felt good that I was not one of those "infertile women” like some of my close friends. We decided to keep our little surprise a secret from our friends until I was at least three months along. We shared our news with our families, and they, like us, began planning and looking forward to the day our little one would arrive and change our lives.

Eight weeks later our plans were shattered when I lost my baby to a miscarriage. The days that followed proved to be trying and difficult. Although we never held or saw this baby, we had to mentally bury our dreams for this child.
For several days after the miscarriage I searched the scriptures for verses to cling to. In my journal I recorded these thoughts

"I love you, Lord, because you hear my voice and my supplication, because you have inclined your ear to me. Therefore I shall call upon you as long as I live" (Psalm 116:1-2).

Although I am reluctant to write these words because they are so freshly painful, I want it to be recorded that God is faithful always in good times and in times of need or pain and that God cares for us. Psalm 116 has been such a source of comfort. Verse 5 says, "Gracious is the Lord and righteous, Yes, our God is compassionate." I have tasted and seen that the Lord is good. The Holy Spirit has ministered to me through comfort and by bringing scripture to my memory. Thank you Father for keeping me close to You and for reminding me so quickly to turn to You and your Word as my source of strength. Help me to remember enough of the pain to minister to those who may go through a similar experience. Help me to accept things like this that I cannot change, especially in front of my unsaved friends who so desperately need to hear about You and your love..."
God's Word truly sustained my spirit during this time.

I was also ministered to by the encouragement from the friends and family around me. So many women called to tell me that they had suffered a miscarriage also which made me feel less lonely. I received several cards from friends and family. The support made me realize how important it is to minister to those around me and how important fellow Christians are in my life. With all the good support also came the "thoughtless" remarks. One friend told me that she didn't trust my doctor. Another inferred that because of the procedure I had, I risked the chance of never conceiving again. Along with these remarks came others from people who really didn’t know what to say. "It was probably a blessing; something may have been wrong; there will be others” and "at least you weren’t too far into your pregnancy" were a few of the remarks. The thought I had to keep before me was that all these people truly did care; some expressed it well and others were at a loss for words.

Time helped dim the pain and after a few months my doctor approved our trying to begin our family again. Five more months came and went quickly. Staying busy in our jobs and ministry helped keep me from staying discouraged. I visited my gynecologist in the spring. She recommended a laparoscopy to see if anything was wrong internally. It was on her bill that I first read my diagnosis:

"INFERTILITY." Perhaps it was time for me to face up to these words. The dictionary defines infertility as the inability to conceive after one year or the inability to carry a pregnancy to a live birth. Although I knew this didn’t have to be a permanent diagnosis, I did realize that I must carefully search to do everything within my means to conceive our baby. I knew also that God had walked with us everyday of our marriage, and He had a perfect plan for us, which at this time included infertility and His grace to endure it. Once again God's Word comforted me. A verse I kept before me was Psalm 113:9, "He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children."

Months and years of infertility can create extreme pressure on a marriage. During my difficult times, I always had the support of my husband. He comforted me when I thought I was pregnant but found I wasn’t. He expressed love and encouragement to me, even though I knew he longed for a child of his own. Our outlook was that God had blessed us so richly with family, friends, and a ministry that we really couldn’t stay depressed about our childless status. In His time, we would have a child.

I went ahead with my laparoscopy in the fall. The surgery, a small incision near the belly button, allows the doctor to look at the female organs for any problems. The prognosis was good. Some endometriosis was spotted but not enough to prevent me from conceiving. A hysterosalpinagogram (dye inserted into the tubes) showed there were no obstructions. Since the tests revealed no specific problems, reluctantly, I changed doctors from my regular gynecologist to an infertility specialist. My doctor had been so supportive, but we agreed this was a needed step.

Entering this territory was a whole new world for me; a world, I didn’t particularly enjoy. It took me on a roller coaster of monthly highs and lows. Because infertility is so elusive, I strongly encourage everyone who has problems conceiving to go to a specialist. I learned of women who had the simplest things wrong that a specialist could easily detect and resolve. However, sometimes it is a difficult process. It's amazing how many types of procedures are used to eliminate possible causes of infertility!

For the next year, I felt like a guinea pig while the doctor, my husband, and I tried many different test and procedures. A small problem was a low level of progesterone during the latter portion of my cycle. Corrective medication was prescribed and for months following, it was faithfully administered to no avail. I truly feel for anyone who goes through any length of infertility. It is an emotional and physical strain. You lose a bit of yourself as you learn to deal with disappointments.

One year after my first pregnancy, I recorded these thoughts in my journal:
"Dear God, I can hardly believe that it’s been one year since I first realized that I was pregnant. I'm so glad we can't see into the future…I praise you Father that you have sustained me, that’s not to say I haven't hoped or dreamed about being pregnant…It's all in your hands – your perfect timing and will is sufficient."

After two years of dealing with my thorn in the flesh, my doctor and I decided it was time for a second surgery. This time he would perform a laparoscopy and use a laser to burn away any endometriosis. The surgery seemed to go well, and my doctor didn’t see any reason why I couldn’t conceive.

During the next year we tried to do everything possible to conceive a child. I decreased my work schedule and tried to reduce other outside activities. Concerned family and friends shared much advice from taking cough syrup to eating certain foods. When fertility drugs were used, the family shared their fears about "tampering with nature' Then at times we felt that the unspoken words, "childless couple", were seen by some as a dreaded terminal condition, God continually gave us reassuring peace.

We had been waiting nearly four years by this time. On New Year's Day, I recorded some prayer requests that I wanted to see God answer in the coming year. At the end of my long list I wrote, "...and if you so will, we will have a child…”

Isaiah 55:8 says, "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways, my ways, declares the Lord." It was during this year that we began to seriously look at our alternatives. Adoption seemed to be a reasonable possibility for us to explore. We began requesting information from various agencies. We decided to keep our search private and only share our desire with our families and some close friends.

We prayerfully chose an agency which we felt had the same philosophies and beliefs we did. Filling out the application was truly a chore. Both of us had to write biographies, feelings about our childhood experiences, beliefs and goals. The total process from beginning to end included over 50 pages of various papers and forms. Finally the day came to mail our application.

“I pray that God will sincerely lead us through this road of adoption, especially in the area of finances. I claim the name of Jehovah Jireh, (which means) God will provide, financially, emotionally, spiritually, and most importantly provide a child according to His perfect will."

Five days later I received an unexpected bonus at work. It was an answer to prayer and the beginning of our adoption fund. Jehovah-Jireh, God will provide!
Once we were accepted by the agency, our waiting game began. I must say that adoption is not the answer for everyone. It's a decision that must be made by each couple.

Both partners need to feel ready for this step and comfortable in the fact that this child is not biologically theirs. Viewing adoption not as a "second best choice" is important. For us, God had not opened the door of conception but seemed to open another door. We both had full assurance and peace as we began the long walk through the adoption process.

Weeks turned into months and months into a year. A little over a year had passed when we decided to have some friends over for dinner one Monday night. Having a daughter who was adopted, they had been such a source of encouragement during our process. We had tried to have them over for some time, but our schedules never seemed to fit together. That afternoon as I was in the kitchen preparing the meal for our friends, my husband ran in the back door. He said the agency had contacted him at his office with some important news that they would only share if both of us were on the phone. Very quickly we dialed the number with each of us on an extension. When our caseworker came on the phone, she said,

"Congratulations, a little boy has been born for you!" We were stunned, excited, thankful, and scared. For the next hour, we talked with her about him, his birth parents and, of course, when we could pick him up.

After we hung up the phone, we cried with thankfulness for this precious life. My husband returned to his office, and I continued to prepare dinner for our friends. We anticipated sharing our news with them when the right moment became available. When they arrived that night, we tried to be as normal as possible. As we were preparing to eat, our friends asked, "Have you heard anything from the agency?" We began to grin, looked at each other, and they knew. Because they had adopted one year earlier, they truly understood the feelings that were overwhelming us. We thank God that in His divine providence, these special friends came to dinner that particular night to share in our unexpected joy after nearly a year of trying to get together.

That day began four long weeks of difficult waiting. It was perhaps the most difficult time since we had started trying to have a family five years prior.

There was much to do, similar to the preparations for having a baby naturally. Our church, friends, and family were so generous to us. Through showers and gifts, everything needed for this little one was given. Financially, money was a concern, but our Heavenly Father provided the amount needed when the time came. During this time of waiting, we were able to share freely how God had provided our precious son. His story is a beautiful tribute to God's faithfulness in his life and ours.

During the last week, I struggled, doubting if we would ever see this child. Psalm 84:11b says, "…no good thing does He withhold from those whose walk is blameless...” Would we see this child? Would there be any problems in the approval cycle? My mind constantly replayed these questions. Only God's grace sustained us.

One afternoon the phone rang on my desk at work. I hesitated as I did every time the phone rang during these expectant days. It was my caseworker. "When can you pick up this little boy?" she asked. I could hardly get the words out through my tears, "You wouldn't be kidding me, would you?"

The next morning we went to the agency to meet and bring back our son. Many strange feelings filled our minds as we traveled to our destiny that summer morning.

What would he look like? Would we really love him as our own? We would be going as two and coming back as three. How would our lives be impacted?
When we got to the agency, the first hour was spent reviewing papers, fulfilling financial obligations and learning about legal matters. Finally our caseworker asked us, "Would you like to meet your son?"

We got up and went across the hall. As the door was opened, we had our first glimpse of our little angel from heaven. If there was ever love at first sight, this was truly it. We wept as our son was placed in my arms. God's timing was perfect. On the trip back, as I watched our little son sleeping, the Holy Spirit reminded me of James 1:17a, "Every good and perfect gift is from above..."

My thorn in the flesh, infertility, still sticks me in the side occasionally. But if you look real closely at the thorns, you will see a beautiful rose. This rose has the face of a blue eyed boy. And, without the thorns, there would be no rose. "Let them know that it is Your hand, that You, 0 Lord, have done it. " Psalm 109:27.

Update: Jimmy and Patty have also adopted a girl. They are living examples of putting themselves aside and seeking always to bring glory to God in their personal lives. Jimmy is a Pastor of Young Married’s at their church and they both use their circumstances to help others in need.

(Story taken from "Morning Will Come" book)

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Tips for Grieving Hearts:
• Write down three things a day you are thankful for
• Cry freely - it is emotional release
• Exercise at least three times a week
• Listen to some Praise and Worship Music-sing a song in the car as LOUD as you can to the glory of God!
• Speak words of encouragement to someone else today
• Send a card to a friend who is hurting

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